Things that will shock you for the first six months after moving to Puerto Vallarta

Chickens and other farm animals on buses.

Bus drivers that stop in the middle of their route to do their grocery shopping (leaving passengers waiting patiently on the bus.)

Naked mannequins getting into bed in a department store window display for Valentine’s Day.

Grocery shopping: Buying eggs in a bag- I still plop them on the counter, forgetting they’re not in a carton. Mayonnaise mixed with lime- the only mayonnaise you can get here. No crunchy peanut butter and only one brand of regular peanut butter in the Puerto Vallarta grocery stores. Pudding is not kept with Jello. Prices for products in the “American Section” are twice as much as 2 aisles over. The same product is located in 4 different places throughout the store- all with different prices.

The price for a taxi is $5 dollars cheaper when you ask in Spanish.

Go to walmart to buy a frying pan- they have 40 of the same 1. You ask the salesperson when they will get more and he says “next year.”

Geckos walking around your living room. Leave them alone- they eat mosquitoes. Gecko Warning: They like sugary cereals, so keep it in tupperware or you’ll have a bowl of Frosted Gecko cereal.

The bus will take a “shortcut” to avoid traffic… causing you to miss your stop.

In downtown Puerto Vallarta, the local funeral home closes off one of the busiest streets (the street that directly turns onto the highway) near the malecon so the grieving family can sit out in the street in plastic white chairs. Thousands of buses, cars, etc are backed up, and quietly and respectfully detour around the street.

Milk – Puerto Vallarta has two kinds of milk- regular and light. Light tastes like 2% in the states and they don’t have it everyday.

Television: A preview plays for the exact movie/show you’re watching, during it’s own commercial break. The same 4 shows play back to back for a 24 hour period. The same episode of Everybody Loves Raymond plays for 3 months.

Don’t be surprised if you’re standing in a grocery store line and a lady passes you her baby while she fishes around in her purse to pay. Likewise- locals think nothing of picking up a child or baby that is not theirs. I almost fell over when I went to a soccer game and one of the players came over and handed me an 8 month baby boy to watch while he played!

A local taco stand also sells bras and key chains.

Mexican home remedies offered by my husband’s 90+ year old Mexican grandmother: A boiled avocado pit is the local aspirin. Spit on the feet, wrap in socks when you have a cold. Bronchitis or flu- massage. Baking soda, lime, salt mixed are used instead of alkaseltzer.

Traditional Mexican foods the locals eat here: Instead of spaghetti sauce, the locals like to mix their pasta with mayonnaise (BLEH!) Corn with mayo is another favorite.

Old milk is not thrown away- when it’s good and rotten, they mix it up like cottage cheese and eat it- it has a name which I’ll write as it’s pronounced rather than massacre the spelling: ho-ko-kee.

Pizza is topped with ketchup.

Sushi is served with jalepenos soaked in soy sauce instead of wasabi. Or… served with salsa and a tortilla. Yep, it’s happened.

Around Halloween, they put 2 or 3 pumpkins out at the store for Americans to buy and mark them “Halloween” so they’re not bought to eat by the locals.

The local chihuahuas walking down the beach wearing heavy turquoise jewelry.

Very, very large European men in Burberry bikini bottoms sunning on the beach. With or without rear end implants.

A Thanksgiving Turkey is $80 USD. A can of Cranberry sauce is $4 USD. A pint of ice cream is $8 USD.

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